grammy liveblog
So, I guess I'm liveblogging the grammys this year, because I have nothing better to do. Here goes.
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8:01: alicia keys duets with an vid of old blue eyes. the idea is cute, but the execution is a bit ho hum for an opening grammy number. plus, ms. keys' boobs look awfully smooshed in the green gown.
8:06 carrie underwood performs "before he cheats." there's the people from stomp involved, which makes this all very 1997. She's a good singer, though.
8:10 prince, in all orange (and versace sunglasses) presents the best r&b award to ms keys. he's such a small little troll, but I love him.
8:15 morris day and the time!!! jungle love! I am doing the dance while sitting down.
8:17 morris looks into his gold mirror. loves it.
8:19 rihanna joins them on stage. I kinda love her feather and plated corset belt (dolce & gabbana?) but not liking her rendition of "umbrella" (mashed with "jungle love"). the whole time, I'm waiting for morris day to come back.
8:22 and he does!
8:23 tom hanks is on. what's he doing at the grammys? anyway, he's announcing a lifetime achievement award for the band. i love the band. (i.h. and i want to style a photo of some boys we know to mimic their woodstock cover.)
8:24 (digression) ih and tw asked me about a potluck.
8:26 okay...getting excited about a beatles tribute. it better be awesome. it's starting with a cirque du soleil performance of "a day in the life."
8:27 now it's a hippie-meets-fosse dance. i'm a sucker for fosse. hippies, not so much. but i see where they're going with this. note to self: see across the universe.
8:29 i'm afraid that the aerialist might snap her neck.
8:30 a cute black boy is singing "let it be" a capella to backdrop scenes of "across the universe." i assume he was in the movie. Now a black lady who looks like a stereotypical spiritual singer joins him. my blackness tells me there's about to be a gospel choir....
8:31...and I'm so right.
8:33 the crowd seems to love it.
8:33 cyndi lauper and hannah montana. has anyone noticed how a) miley's eyes are so close together and b) she speaks like she has something in her mouth? they're presenting best new artist, and she said, "these years...."
8:34 amy winehouse won best new artist. cyndi lauper was super excited about this, and could barely spit out her words.
8:35 michael bluth (aka jason bateman) is on a stage outside of the staples center. he's funny and cute. I'd do him.
8:36 so now they're doing this mygrammy moment and I'm excited that it wasn't like last year's stupid popstar duet with j timberlake. they have three string musicians who are going to play with an orchestra and foo fighters.
8:45 sounds like k. west. I'm excited, because this means daft punk is there somewhere. plus, hate him or love him, kanye is a good performer. he's wearing those stripey glasses he wears...but they're neon light up! and he's also wearing a lighted admiral jacket.
8:48 daft punk is in the giant pyramid. They are wearing lighted neon outline suits. basically, the whole set looks like the movie tron. and i love it. lurve it.
8:49 kanye is singing "hey mama", no doubt as a tribute to his late mom. it seems very earnest.
8:52 got a standing o for that one. carrie underwood was in tears over that one.
8:53 fergie and john legend. fergie's not wearing high waisted shorts. she's got on a grecian dress (marchesa?) and sounds pretty good...i forgot that she can actually sing when she's not faux-rapping about london bridges or being g-l-a-m-o-r-ous.
8:55 love (a beatles compilation from a cirque du soleil show) just won for best comp soundtrack over dreamgirls. ringo starr is such a ham. I guess he has to be, because he never got points for being the most attractive beatle, eh?
9:03 it's cher...she looks like a drag queen. She says about beyonce, "the second one is younger, but I'm not gonna hold that against her." i love you for that, cher.
9:04. beyonce's hot pants look like a gold diaper. she's doing some kind of talking tribute to r&b ladies. I do like beyonce from time to time, but I'm not liking this cabaret version of "deja vu." over it....bring out tina.
9:05 tina looks pretty hot for her age in a silver number (cavalli?). She's performing "what's love got to do with it?"
at some point, I'm expecting they'll do "proud mary" so beyonce has a chance to do what she does best--shake her weave around the stage like an angry water buffalo.
9:07 "you better be good to me." her background dancers are hot. can I add "tina turner's background dancer" to one of my life's ambitions?
9:08 here's beyonce in a sparkly jumpsuit. and I so called the "proud mary" bit. I'm going to be mad if beyonce tries to upstage her, as she attempts with everyone she performs with.
9:11 the weave cannot stay still.
9:13 nelly furtado's dress looks terrible on her, although the color is superb. and it's andy williams! he hosted the first grammy event ever.
9:14 they're giving a lifetime achievement award to burt bacharach. mention of his name always makes me feel happy inside. now, they're presenting song of the year.
9:15 amy won for "rehab." a bit ironic, no?
9:19 (digression) "dexter" is on cbs now???? score!
9:20 michael bluth is back to reveal the winner of the mygrammy contest. the asian girl won. jason bateman is making me fall in love with him.
9:21 "pretender" by foo fighters. i've always been in lurve with dave grohl, esp. in his current jesus phase. but the drummer, taylor hawkins, is also hot and also in jesus mode. so this bears the question--blonde drummer jesus or brunette guitar singer jesus?
9:32 george lopez tells one of his generic jokes about mexicans. meh.
9:33 brad paisley. he has one of those skeevy wispy mustaches. I think he's singing a song about a trashy country girl with a butterfly tattoo that he wants to do up the a.
9:34 ummm, the song is called "i'd like to check you for ticks?" well, I guess it's nice that he cares so much about preventing lyme disease.
9:35 "I've got your back, and I've also got your front"? This song is full of awkward pick-up lines.
9:37 chris brown is wearing red pants with a white cocktail jacket and red lapels. do not want. solange is wearing some sort of puffy shirt and puffy ruffled shorts. do not want. akon is wearing a long black matrix outfit. do not want. they're presenting best rap album.
9:39 kanye won. he has "mama" shaved into his head.
9:40 he gave a shout out to mark ronson, my luvahhh, who is wearing a white cocktail jacket.
9:41 he dissed the grammy people for playing music while he was talking about his mama.
9:42 ludacris looks pretty snazzy now that he cleans up nicely for events. bebe winans and aretha franklin are about to perform gospel in front of a giant neon cross.
9:43 aretha went back to the short hair. she is wearing a giant chiffon tent. bebe winans is wearing a jacket that a rorschach test threw up on. the white boy behind aretha is groovin'.
9:45 some brass band called madison bumblebees--I feel like it's time to eat some zatarain's!
9:47 hmmm. this song is kinda groovy. it's got a soca-type beat. These are like the young, funky, hip Christians! Their song is called "only you can satisfy," but i'm pretty sure snickers has that slogan. nice try, jesus-ites.
9:50 now they're all singing a series of words...I think they may have said "sweden, beat it." what do they have against the scandinavians?
9:56 yay for carol king--she looks hot. there's some guy called dirks bentley who is kinda cute, but wearing a suit that's way too small for him.
9:57 yay for feist! she's performing 1234 solo. i kinda wish she would dance, but she sounds great.
10:00 keely smith-the first grammy winner ever. she looks kind of like baby jane. and now...kid rock. let's see where this goes. they're performing "old black magic" that she originally performed with louis prima. dave koz is playing sax. it's a kinda cute performance.
10:03 foo fighters won best rock album. i think they're the standard. I'm a little saddened to find that dave grohl doesn't have an ass. and omigosh, is that a fat pat smear in the background?
10:10 stevie wonder, wearing leopard print sleeves. it's so wrong. he's giving a tribute to berry gordy and announcing alicia keys.
10:12 i love her new glam makeover. and i love this song "no one."
10:15 john mayer emerges. i hate to say it, but...he looks kinda hot. (i think everyone looks hot tonight, and this is probably due to hormones and sex deprivation.)
10:17 ringo (again) and dave stewart (eurythmics) announce best country album.
10:18 vince gill got the award. he kind of looks like a high football coach/car salesman. "i just got an award from a beatle...have you had that happen yet, kanye?" he kinda dissed kanye, and it was cute. kanye was laughing, but i think inside his head he was writing a diss record about vince gill.
10:25 Joe Mantegna announces Yitzhak Perlman and Hal Roach's lifetime grammy awards. Herbie Hancock and a Chinese pianist are performing Gershwin on dueling pianos. The musicals nut in me loves this. but how cool would it be if the orchestra busted out into "rockit"?
10:31 i effing love "rhapsody in blue." it gets a standing o.
10:33 juanes is eyeing taylor swift salaciously. they're presenting best rap/song collaboration.
10:34 rihanna/jay z. win. they have a cute little banter going. she looks great in what i'm sure is a zac posen. it's hard to believe that i am four years older than her.
10:41 cuba gooding jr is announcing amy winehouse.
10:42 she looks much better than i expected. performing "you know i'm no good."
10:43 ruined it with a shout out to "7614--my blaake."
10:44 singing "rehab" with a cheeky expression. i've heard her do better.
10:47 natalie cole and tony bennett are presenting. he looks like a pepaw, and she looks like a drag queen. they're giving a lifetime achievement award to....doris day!!!
10:49 presenting song of the year...amy winehouse wins and looks positively stunned. i love it.
10:50 she's got her mom and dad up there. she shouts out jailbird blake (again) and london (camden). she's so ghetto...i love her.
10:57 snooze...neal portnoy doing some kind of blah blah blah academy info thingie. blah blah blah new grammy museum blah blah blah. blah blah blah fair compensation. blah blah blah arts in public schools.
10:59 some kid who played piano on the grammys eight years ago is now a piano hottie. well, he's not super hot, but he's a jew. and we know how i feel about those.
11:00 dead people. guy from boston and ends with luciano singing "nessun dorma."
11:03 andrea bocelli is going to do something for luciano. and he's bringing josh mf'ing groban. for no reason at all, that kid annoys me.
11:07 okay, fine. i'll say andrea and josh ended that well. but that's as far as i'll go.
11:12 bonnie raitt intros john fogerty, little richard and jerry lee lewis. oh, boy.
11:13 john fogerty has had too much plastic surgery and is completely incoherent. botox does that to you.
11:14 jerry lee lewis, too, is incoherent, but he's old. i actually find myself hoping that little richard is the highlight of this performance.
11:16 little richard's hair is perfectly coiffed as usual. he's wearing a pound of makeup. i can actually understand what he's saying, which is a vast improvement.
11:25 will.i.am is doing a rappy-rap medley to old songs. i don't really get it.
11:27 usher and quincy jones. i'm really over usher's pimp glasses and 70's lounge singer look. they're presenting album of the year, and it goes to...
11:28 herbie hancock. they just gave it to the oldie olsen to piss everyone off, like the time they gave alan alda the best supporting actor award last year. bleh.
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